DonQHoti - Thoughts, Quips and Assorted Stuff

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one. What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ? Who cares - neither one's a guitar How do you know when the stage is level ? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth .. Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ? Neither did I Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ? So the rest of the band can understand them What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ? Homeless .. What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in perfect unison. How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ? Pay for the pizza. How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ? Evidently all of them. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline....

In the beginning was the Plan, And then came the Assumptions, And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was completely without Substance. Then a great Darkness was upon the face of the Workers And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of Shit, and it stinketh." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of Dung and none may abide the odor thereof." And the Supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of Excrement and it is very strong, such that non may abide it." And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength." And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains That Which Aids Plant Growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It Promotes Growth and is Very Powerfu...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. -Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. -Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -The Irish Times, Washington, D.C. To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra -Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. -Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona. Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married God is dead. - Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. - God -The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -Revolut...

Learn your computer terms! :-) Backup.........What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. Bar Code......Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. Bug...............The reason you give for calling in sick. Byte..............What your pitbull dun to cusin Jim Bob. Cache...........Needed when you run out of food stamps. Chip.............Pasture muffins that you try not to step on. Terminal.......Time to call the undertaker. Crash...........When you go to Junior's party uninvited. Digital..........The art of counting on fingers. Diskette.......Female disco dancer. Fax.............What you lie about to the IRS. Hacker.......Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. Hardcopy...Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet.......Where cafeteria workers put on their hair. Keyboard...Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac............Big Bubba's ...

A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered in what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model The men, on the other hand conc...

Heaux! Heaux! Heaux! Merry Christmas! Phideaux's Christmas or "12 Days of Christmas in Louisiana" Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma. --Marie Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem. --Marie Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster. --Marie Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more xxxxx birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleo...

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Horn broken, watch for finger. All men are idiots ... I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply Revenue Commissioners.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got (unless you're AIB, of course) Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Hang up and drive. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling...like his passengers. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine. It IS as BAD as you ...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest braincells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting ...

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students.  It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  Support your answer with a proof.  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law (gas cools as it expands and heats up as it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:   First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.     So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and     the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely     assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave.  There-     fore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering     Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the     world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not a   ...

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.  They've  experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few  weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.  Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.  In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 6. Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 7....

 Subject: FALL CLASSES  Having trouble understanding and dealing with the opposite sex?  Sign up now for the most useful classes you will ever take!  Fall Classes Offered   SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)  1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES  2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")  3. Elementary Map Reading  4. Crying and Law Enforcement  5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR  6.  You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours  7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast  8. The Seven-Outfit Week  9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly titled "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With It")  10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission  11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights  12. Driving III:  Approximating a Constant Speed  13. ...

The beeper will beep In less than just a minute. Everything is done.

I don't think it will work. It might work if it did work, but I don't think it will work.