DonQHoti - Thoughts, Quips and Assorted Stuff

When God made the world, He chose to put animals in it, and decided to give each whatever it wanted. All the animals formed a long line before His throne, and the cat quietly went to the end of the line. To the elephant and the bear, He gave strength; to the rabbit and the deer, swiftness; to the owl, the ability to see at night; to the birds and the butterflies, great beauty; to the fox, cunning; to the monkey, intelligence; to the dog, loyalty; to the lion, courage; to the otter, playfulness. All these were things the animals begged of God. At last He came to the end of the line, and there sat the little cat, waiting patiently. “What will you have?” God asked the cat. The cat shrugged modestly, “Oh, whatever scraps you have left over. I don’t mind.” “But I’m God. I have everything left over.” “Then I’ll have a little of everything, please.” And God gave a great shout of laughter at the cleverness of this small animal, and gave the cat everything she asked for,...

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me....... A batch of my special handprint cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that microsecond, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies. On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by...

Instruction List for Northerners Who Move to the South Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75 percent chance of being right. Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn’t mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way - this is what they live for. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. If something can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitat...

You might be a Redneck Jedi If . . . *You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." *Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. *You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. *At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. *You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder. *You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. *You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. *You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit. *The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. *Wookies are offended by your BO *You have ever used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. *You have ever used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. *Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." *You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self...

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have. A day without sunshine is like, night. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. Th...

Ole & Sven died and were sent to hell. After a while the devil came by and noticed that Ole & Sven were still wearing their winter gear and seemed comfortable. The devil said to them, "why aren't you hot?" Ole replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us." This upset the devil - so he turned the thermostat up. A while later, the devil looked in on Ole and Sven. They were still wearing their winter gear! The devil questioned them again and Ole told the devil, "You have to remember we are from Minnesota and it is very, very cold there. This is feeling real nice to us." The devil was really mad this time so he turned the thermostat all the way up to the maximum. The devil waited a while, then went back to visit Ole and Sven. This time they had unzipped their coats, but they still had all their winter clothes on. Part of the punishment in hell was supposed to be the un...